


i'm a little unsteady now (hold onto me)

by wlwpeggycarter



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Aromantic Characters, Internalized Hate, Panic Attacks, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Slight Arophobia, Suicidal Thoughts, aka seasonal depression, an au where the internet doesnt have results for louis' symptoms rip, but like thats very super mild, please read authors note for more details about possible triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-05
Updated: 2015-10-05
Packaged: 2018-04-25 00:32:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4939807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wlwpeggycarter/pseuds/wlwpeggycarter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s always September First, the day everything starts to go bad. It’s the day the hollow feeling starts to spread, and he knows he can’t do anything about it. That’s the worst part, he would say. Felling all the emotions come slowly trickling back, and having no way to stop them. Louis can think of one way to stop them, but he knows he can’t do it like that.</p>
<p>The medication stopped working a long time ago, which left him alone to his own thoughts. That was a scary thing. Louis didn’t want to be alone, especially by himself. But he really didn’t want to drag anyone else into this, didn’t want to be a burden. He knew that when Spring came around, he would be getting better again. He just had to wait two hundred and ten days. Louis can do this, it’s not the first time, and it definitely won’t be the last.</p>
<p>or- Louis has Seasonal Depression, and this is how he deals with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm a little unsteady now (hold onto me)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! This fic is very very personal and it means so much to me so thank you for reading it!!! I hope everyone likes it a lot bc it's probably one of my favorite thing si have ever written (posted and not posted) and now for the thank you's
> 
> \- thank you to felicia (maybellinelouis) for reading this over <3  
> \- thanks to punk (presermns) bc they said a lot of very nice things about this fic before they even read it 
> 
> Possible Triggers- 
> 
> okay so when it says '149 Days, Nov. 1st' the paragraph right under that has the suicidal thoughts, but it's not very graphic, but please skip it if you are even a little bit afraid. 
> 
> and then a bit after '118 days- Jan. 1st' there is slight arophobia there, but again nothing to horrible. 
> 
> if there is anything i overlooked pls tell me right away!!! but please do what is best for you though!!! your safety is much more important than reading my fic ily
> 
> Comments and Kudos are always appreciated!! please tell me if there are any grammatical or spelling errors <3 <3  
> _________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Spring and summer were warm, like the breeze that was always present. It was the softness of the flower petals, the dew of the grass early in the morning. It was the stickiness of ice cream that got onto his face when he was too excited to eat it at a slow pace. Summer was time spent with family and friends, day trips to the beach where you fall asleep to the sounds of the wave meeting the sand, the warm sun shining down on you. Spring was taking out the windbreakers from the back of your closet, and finally rejoicing in the feel of the sun on your bare ankles. It’s wearing your favorite Vans again, because now you can wear them without it being a safety hazard. Spring is the flowers coming back, and feeling coming back to your body.

 

spring and summer are full and warm.

 

+++++

 

Winter and fall were different. When everyone else was getting excited for the upcoming holidays, he was dreading the upcoming months. He was afraid of the lack of sunlight, was scared of everyone trying to help him in all the wrong ways.

 

Fall was the sinking feeling when you are going down a water slide, and it gets really dark and steep all of a sudden. Fall is feeling the numbness slowly spread throughout your body, first it hits your chest, then it makes its way down to your hands, then back up towards the brain. It’s knowing what’s coming, feeling the dread and fear creep up on you, but not being able to do anything about it. You can’t stop the spread of the Thing inside you, no matter how hard you try. It never stops.

 

Winter is like being submerged in a snow bank for months. The numbness is constantly present. You don’t feel like yourself, and when you do you wish you didn’t feel a damn thing at all. It’s when you feel constantly cold and alone, like nothing anyone says would make you feel better. Every step hurts, every conversation leaves you physically exhausted, even doing seemingly simple tasks take hours. It’s a lack of motivation, and loosing interest in thing you once loved. It’s friends shutting you out because they think that you are ignoring them, when you really need their support more than anything now.

 

Fall and winter are hollow and cold.

 

+++++

 

** 210 Days, September 1st **

****

It’s always September First, the day everything starts to go bad. It’s the day the hollow feeling starts to spread, and he knows he can’t do anything about it. That’s the worst part, he would say. Felling all the emotions come slowly trickling back, and having no way to stop them. Louis can think of one way to stop them, but he knows he can’t do it like that.

 

The medication stopped working a long time ago, which left him alone to his own thoughts. That was a scary thing. Louis didn’t want to be alone, especially by himself. But he _really_ didn’t want to drag anyone else into this, didn’t want to be a burden. He knew that when Spring came around, he would be getting better again. He just had to wait two hundred and ten days. Louis can do this, it’s not the first time, and it definitely won’t be the last.

 

+++++

 

** 180 Days, October 1st **

****

It’s only getting worse, which isn’t a surprise to Louis anymore. It’s getting harder to focus on simple tasks, like drinking his coffee in the morning. He just sits and stares at the wall until something startles him into focus, and he has to drink his cold coffee to keep up appearances.

 

Sometimes Louis feels like cold coffee, stale and like no one wants you.

 

Halloween isn’t fun anymore, he doesn’t smile and laugh when all the kids come to his house like he used too, and he doesn’t try to make small talk with the parents who he babysat for before everything. He can’t take his sisters and brother out anymore because every step is like being stabbed, painful and agonizing. He just doesn’t have the energy for social activities at this point, and it Hurts. He wants to go out with his siblings, and compliment their costumes and see their faces light up as they get candy from Mr. Stevens down the road, but he doesn’t. Because if he went, he wouldn’t be able to make it through the night.

 

+++++

 

** 149 Days, November 1st **

****

He can’t focus, he can’t make himself eat, and he can barely take care of himself anymore so he doesn’t know why he bothers to try. He has thought about ending it, just taking a knife and cutting along his body until there was nothing left to come out, stealing his mom’s pill bottle and swallowing all the pills so he can go peacefully. But he knows he can’t, he knows he can’t leave his family behind because they would be devastated. He couldn’t imagine what they would have felt if they saw his body lying lifeless in his bed, so he tries to stay as strong as he can for them. It’s really hard some days, but other days are a little bit easier to get through.

 

Thanksgiving isn’t about eating all the turkey and stuffing he can, it’s about not spacing out every three minutes, red marks on his arms from pinching himself every time he knew he would start to let his mind wander. It became avoiding his extended family members when he could, because he knows that they wouldn’t understand.

 

(His mom understood. She dragged him out of the crowded room when Louis felt like he was going to suffocate with all the people around him, when his eyes got wide and a tad wet. She brought him out to the side of the house, and let him breathe for as long as he needed. If Louis felt up to it, he would hug her until he felt like he was ready to go back into the room. His mom would kiss him on the forehead and say, “I love you, yeah? If you need to come back out here, don’t be afraid to. And if you want me to come out here with you, you pull me right out of the house if you need to. But if you want to be alone for a while, that’s totally okay. You just do what you think is best for you right now.” Louis and his mom would end up staying out side for a few more minutes, or until Louis could stop crying.)

 

Louis can last one hundred and forty nine more days.

 

+++++

 

** 129 Days, December 20th **

****

December is the second worst month. December means family, crowded rooms, invasive questions, and his birthday. Every year Louis asks that his family not do anything big for his birthday, he would be more than happy to just stay at home and watch a movie with everyone, and they listen. They haven’t done anything big for Louis since This had started, and Louis feels respected and loved in a way he could never explain.

 

But in the days leading up to his birthday, those are not good. He gets bombarded with questions when he is walking down the hallway to his classes, “What are you doing over the weekend?” “Why haven’t you had a party in like, five years?” Louis politely excuses himself, and tries to walk to his class without being asked anymore questions. It doesn’t usually work.

 

School is becoming a problem again. His grades are slipping, and he can’t focus enough to take his notes. He blanks out when he doesn’t force himself to listen to the boring lectures. The teachers aren’t accommodating either, and they wont let Louis make up work when he can’t get it done. Louis doesn’t like school during the Winter and the Fall. 

 

Thankfully the guidance department did something right, and arranged his schedule so that he has most of his classes with Niall. So when he is having a horrible bad day, he can get the notes he missed of Niall.

 

(Niall is a great friend, and has been his with him since the fourth grade. Niall had just moved from Ireland, and everyone was making fun of his accent. Louis thought that was mean, and one day when everyone was playing on the swings, Louis invited him to his house after school. Niall agreed, and when he had shown up at Louis’ house unannounced, Louis’ mom almost had a heart attack. She kept yelling about calling Niall’s mom and telling her that Niall was here, but some how Louis managed to get her to stop for one second to explain the situation. Once his mom heard the part of the other kids being rude to Niall and Louis being nice to him, her face softened and she gave Louis and Niall extra cookies that night after dinner. That will always be one of Louis’ favorite days.)

 

+++++

 

** 125 Days, December 24th **

****

Louis’ mom always said that he was the best Christmas gift she could have ever received, but more often than not, he feels like a burden. Like a gift that sits in the closet all year because the person who received the gift didn’t want it, but they don’t have the heart to get rid of it. Louis has never told his mom he felt this way. He doesn’t think he ever will.

 

Dan and Jay had respected Louis’ wish again this year, and they all stayed at home and watched a movie. This year it was _Sky High_ because it was Louis’ favorite movie before things went Bad, and for a second he feels like he is a little kid again, and he can laugh at the romance sub plots and the cheesy lines. It’s fun.

 

Louis is squished between his mom and Dan, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. It makes him feel like they both love him a lot, and like they would do anything for him if he asked. He won’t ever ask though, they put up with too much from him already.

 

* * *

 

The movie isn’t working today. He doesn’t know why, the movie usually always works, but today it’s just making him feel like shit. He can’t make them stop the movie, because the older girls would ask questions, and Louis doesn’t feel up to answering them right now.

 

He is trying to make eye contact with his mom, but she doesn’t seem to notice. That is just worse, because he feels invisible now. He feels like he doesn’t matter to them anymore, he feels like if he went upstairs and found the pill bottle they wouldn’t care about what happened after.

 

The tears are falling now, and he is trying to hide them but he doesn’t know if he can hide it any longer. Most of them are landing on his shirt, but a few rouge tears hit his mom’s top. He knows the second she hears his sniffle and a feels wet spot because she tightens her arms around him, and kisses the top of his head. He just cries harder.

 

“Dan, can you bring the girls to bed please? It’s getting a little late.” They have this weird, silent conversation with just their eyes that Louis will never understand how it works, and then Dan is picking up the girls to bring them upstairs and telling the older ones to start walking. But before he goes, he squeezes Louis’ shoulder and says, “It’s alright. It doesn’t seem like it now, but it will be over soon, Lou.”

 

But the problem is it won’t be over, it will _never_ be over. Louis I stuck with this Thing for the rest of his life, and he knows it. But he also knows Dan is trying to be nice, and he has been really supportive throughout this whole thing, so Louis tries too.

 

He sits up a little, and gives Dan the biggest smile he can manage, which isn't much, and whispers, “Thank you. I- I don’t know-”

 

“It’s okay. You two talk, and I’ll keep everyone away for a while.” He smiles as he leaves, and Louis can hear the girls giggling at something Dan said, and he knows that his mom picked a good guy to be with.

 

“Mom. I’m sorry, I ruined it, and I feel so bad about this. I can’t do anything right ever, and I feel so bad all the time. This is the second hardest month, you know that, and I don’t think I can do this every year. Mom, I cant-.” He doesn’t finish, the sobs wracking his body rendering him speechless. He is just a useless, wet lump right now, and he doesn’t know how his mom does it. But he is so thankful for everything, because without her, he wouldn’t have anything. (He doesn’t think he would be able to make it through the winter and fall if he didn’t have her support.)

 

“Lou, baby, no. You didn’t ruin anything, you never could. You are so special to me. Some days are worse than others, yeah, but not all of them will be like this. Some days will be horrible, and you feel like you don’t know if you can handle everything anymore, right? But not every day will be like that, I promise Louis. You are so important to me, and if anything ever happened to you I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. I love you so much, Louis. Try to remember that when you are having the bad days, okay?”

 

Louis can’t say much after that, he just cries harder and harder. He knows that his mom loves him, and he also knows that his mom is super supportive and would listen to anything he had to say, but he feels like a burden, and he doesn’t know how to tell her that. He just made the girls and Dan miss the end of the movie, and he ruined the only thing he asked to do on his birthday. How can his mom deal with all of this? Louis can hardly deal with it himself.

 

“I know that a while ago I said I… didn’t want to go to, um, therapy, but do you think that I could go talk to someone? Like, once or twice a week maybe?”

 

Her smile is blinding. “Louis, I’m so proud of you, yes of course! Whenever you are ready to talk about it more, just tell me. Honey, I’m so proud.” She can’t stop smiling, and Louis is baffled. He doesn’t see how this is a big deal, he just feels like more of a burden now.

 

“Are you sure? Like, I don’t have to-”

 

“Louis, yes I am absolutely sure that you can start talking to someone.” She kisses him on the forehead, and then his cheek, and then she is getting her lip gloss all over his face as she peppers kisses all over him.

 

Louis feels a little better, it’s not going to get better after a short conversation, but he thinks the goal is to get better over a period of time. Small steps and all that. “Thanks, mom. This means so much, you have no idea.” He has a small smile on his face, and it doesn’t feel forced for once.

 

+++++

 

** 118 Days, January 1st **

****

The New Years party his family throws aren’t good for his mental state, but he feels obligated to come. His mom tells him every year to stay home of he want’s to, but that would just lead to more guilt and more questions. Those are both things Louis doesn’t need anymore of.

 

The room is very bright, his grandparents are hosting this year, and it’s hurting his eyes. All the adults are trying to offer him alcohol, but he keeps refusing. It would be too tempting, and Niall and him made a pact not to have their first drinks until spring. (Louis feels like if he had a drink during the winter he wouldn’t be able to stop. It would be too tempting to just keep drinking, and too keep forgetting what he is forced to remember. So, he doesn’t drink.)

 

“Louis, I haven’t seen you in forever! How are you?” This is the worst part of the evening. Louis turns around, and sees a person he doesn’t remember ever meeting. He looks for his mom, and she mouths, “Aunt Cindy” with a smile and an eye roll. Ah, the Vodka Aunt then.

 

“Aunt Cindy, hey. I’ve been alright, yeah. What about you?”

 

“I’m pretty good, actually. I got a p-p-promotion last week, and it made me so, so, um. Happy.”

 

Louis didn’t know being drunk left you so, weird. He might never have a sip of hard liquor. “That’s good, yeah.” He tries to find his mom again, to signal that he needs to leave this area, but she is nowhere to be seen. Louis can handle it though, working up to things, that whole plan.

 

But before he can open his mouth, Cindy blurts out “Are you dating anyone?”

 

No, no. Louis can’t do this. “Um, no. I don’t really want to date anyone, like ever.” He hopes she is too drunk to remember this in the morning.

 

“What? Why not? It’s so much fun, meeting new people, and experiencing love for the first time! That’s not normal, that you don’t want to date.”

 

And everything that he has built up, his stupid, fragile wall, breaks down. He feels like his heart has been smashed with a hammer, and then run over with a truck. He has to get out, he has to get his mom, or call Niall, something other than stand here with Cindy.

 

He pushes past people with out saying anything, and throws himself out the back door and into the lawn. He can’t see what he is doing, the amount of tears that have yet to escaped are making his vision cloudy. He feels like he is going to have a panic attack, knows it was inevitable, so he puts his head between his knees and counts to fifteen backwards and forwards.

 

She said he wasn’t normal, that being aromantic isn’t normal. It hurts so much, because he had to get through a lot of internalized hate before he could even get to a place where he could hint at being aromantic. She literally just broke every fragile structure of self-love he had built over the last few years with ten words. Louis fucking hates that he can’t have a brain like a normal person, that he can’t be happy a majority of the time. He hates that he has bad days more often than good days. Some days he still has bad aro days, and he hates those the most. He hates that he can’t accept himself, and he hates that being aromantic isn’t more widely accepted. He hates that dating and falling in love is considered normal, and that ‘falling in love’ is the defining factor of what makes you a human. Society sucks for conditioning him like this.

 

His mom eventually finds him, mid panic attack. “Oh, boo. It’s okay, come here. I’ve got you.” She pulls him off the wet grass and into her lap, and she lets him squeeze her hands until they are white and he is positive the circulation is cut off. She gets his breathing back to a normal rate, and they sit outside for a while, just breathing and staring at the stars. It’s very cheesy, but Louis needs predictable right now, he needs something stable so he can ground himself.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” She is so gentle, and just by her voice alone Louis feels safe and comfortable.

 

“Yeah, um. She said, that being aro wasn’t like, normal. And that every one should want to date someone and fall in love. And then, this happened.” Louis waves his hands around them to signify being outside, and having a breakdown.

 

“Louis, I’m so sorry. She is wrong, so wrong. You don’t need to love anyone romantically to be normal. I promise you, you are normal. There isn’t anything wrong with you.” Jay is wiping the remaining tears that are falling again, and then she is hugging him again.

 

“Mom, you don’t know how much it hurts.” It’s barely more than a whisper, but she hears it. (she calls it her mom hearing. Louis thinks it kind of scary.)

 

She hesitates before she responds, like she has to pick her words carefully. “I do, actually. When I was a teenager, I was depressed too. It was more of like a mild depression, if we’re being honest, but it was there. My mom, she didn’t know how to deal with it. Was horrible at supporting me, didn’t know how to listen when I talked to her.” She inhales, and it sounds shaky. Louis doesn’t dare move, afraid he would break the glass bubble that surrounds them is he moved an inch.

 

“I decided that if I ever had kids, that I would want to be the total opposite of what she was. I would try to be there for them always, and I would support them through anything. And I try to be what you need, and I think I’m doing an alright job, but I do get it, Lou. But this isn’t about me, this is about you. How can I help you?”

 

Louis is too shocked to move, too shocked to do anything. His mom was depressed when she was his age, and she turned out to be an amazing person. She ended up getting her dream job, and she seems happy more often than not. Louis doesn’t know how to process everything that is coming into his brain right now.

 

“Does it ever go away? This feeling?”

 

She laughs, but its dry. “I want to say yes, that it does, but it’s more than that. You won’t feel like this every day, I promise you. When you get older, I promise you that there will be plenty of days like summer days, yeah? But some days will turn out to be winter days, and you’ll feel like you are back in high school. But the next day will be a summer day, and the day after that and so on. It gets better, Lou, but not a hundred percent better. More like ninety six percent better.”

 

 

God, his mom is lovely, but this is heartbreaking. “You never said anything before, why?”

 

“Didn’t want to overwhelm you. But now seemed like a good time for a heart-to-heart.”

 

That’s the biggest lie he's ever heard, this is the worst possible time for a heart to heart. After deep, emotional conversations Louis tends to get a little (very) clingy. He is going to be attached to his mom’s hip for the rest of the night.

 

“When you were younger, did you like, have things that helped you get through the day?”

 

“Yeah. I would make a list of small things to accomplish every day, or week, and when I did one of the things, I would cross it off the list, and eat some chocolate. Like a reward system, but with myself. Or, I used to write down my thoughts in a journal, and then rip up the pages, or keep the pages, depending on my mood. But there are tons of things out there Louis. You just have to find what works for you.”

 

He has the best mom in the world, and he would fight anyone that says otherwise. How could someone top this, having a conversation about self care techniques in a backyard? Louis feels like he was sucked of all the love and warmth that he had left in his body, but then he was stuffed to the brim with love and affection. Louis wants to cry, to try an expel some of the emotions that he’s feeling.

 

“I’m going to have one last cry, and then we can go back in.”

 

His mom laughs, and rubs his back as he cries. He cries out all his anger, sadness, and happiness that he was suddenly struck with. It’s a good kind of cry.

 

(They don’t stay at the party for a long time after that, per Louis’ request. Louis and his mom leave the party, but promise Dan that they would be back. The pair have another silent eye conversation, Dan smiles at the both of them, and then Louis and his mom are off. First, they stop at the McDonalds to get french fries, because there was no good food at that party. Then they go to the craft store to get a leather bound journal so Louis can write down what he’s feeling, and they even get a nice pen too. Then the two pause in the parking lot, as they think of what to do next. Louis decides it’s time for a reward, because its ‘been a productive evening, and good behavior deserves to be recognized’. Jay’s smile could stop a small army, and they both have some chocolate to celebrate before they head back.)

 

+++++

****

** 87 Days, February 1st **

** **

Louis has always felt like February was the longest month. It may be the shortest time wise, but emotionally is felt like a marathon. He doesn’t know what it is about the month had makes him feel like he is out of options, but it just does. Maybe it’s because the weather has finally dropped to negative temperatures and the snow banks are piling up, or maybe it’s because this month’s holiday is the worst of them all. Valentine’s Day.

 

Every year Louis is surrounded in a cloud of self-hate because he feels inadequate and broken because he doesn’t want to date anyone. He knows that this holiday means literally nothing, that it was just invented so that corporate officials could make money, but it still hurts him. He hates to see the commercials that show couples with their stupid boxes of chocolates, he gets so uncomfortable around couples that show affection is very public places. (Louis is talking about this one couple in particular. Every day, without fail, these two would be in the corner of the hallway pressing their foreheads together, and kissing and just being overly affectionate in general. Louis has no problems with love for other people, he just wishes they could take it somewhere else because every time he sees them he wants to cry and scream and it leaves him feeling like shit for the rest of the day. This happens everyday.)

 

February is hard because he knows that there isn’t much time left in the winter days, but he can’t think rationally when it’s February. His grades continue to go down, he cant hold a conversation for more than a minute without feeling drained, and every time someone asks him why he doesn’t smile as often, and he has to fake a smile, he wasn’t to cry.

 

February feels like you are drowning, but you know how to swim and you know how to save yourself, but you are just ready to give up. You are ready to let the water take you under, and every muscle in your body hurts. Every part of you hurts all the fucking time, and you just want the current to take you out further so it would be over faster.

 

February is hard.

 

+++++

 

** 73 Days, February 14th **

****

Louis calls Niall, and they stay in bed all day. Louis showers, changes into a new pair of sweatpants, and puts popcorn in the microwave. Niall and Louis have a collection of movies that don’t have any romance in them, and Louis is grateful that they created that set. When he has bad aro days, and he needs to laugh he watches those movies, sometimes with other people and sometimes he likes to be alone. It usually makes him feel better about being aro, but it doesn’t help with the depression. (But Louis would take a dad day over a bad aro day any time. He couldn’t explain it, but bad aro days are the worst.)

 

“Bro, you know what would be good for us to do?” Niall asked, and Louis has been pretty spacey today, but Niall usually has very good ideas.

 

“What? Wait, no let me guess. Go get all the candy for half price at the store?” Louis is funny and very smart.

 

“No, what- wait. That’s a great idea. Tomorrow I’ll go to the store and buy a fuck ton of chocolate. We can eat it all. But what I was going to say was, we should go out when it’s not fucking lovey-dovey central, and point out things couples do.”

 

This is why Niall is his best friend. Niall and him later found out that they were both aromantic, and they just grew closer if that was possible. They read posts online about different places one could fall on the aro spectrum, but they both felt that they Found Something when they discovered the term aromantic. Louis and Niall had both felt alone and broken, but they were afraid to tell each other how they felt in case the other wouldn’t understand. The irony.

 

Once they figured out a word that fit, it was a battle. They both had to work through a lot of internalized self-hate to get to a point where they could even _imagine_ going out and pointing out things that were strange to them. Fighting all the things that society had ingrained in their minds that told them they were broken, and not human for not wanting romantic partners. But they crossed the bridge, and now they are both relatively comfortable with themselves that they aren’t afraid of what other people have to say about them.

 

“Niall, that is a great idea. Just give it a week or two. Everything has been taken over with PDA and hearts.” Niall and Louis both pretend to shudder, and then they cuddle till the end of the movie. Louis would call this a good day, all things considered.

 

+++++

 

** 58 Days, March 1st **

****

“Look over there, on your left. Those two are holding hands and making Dan and Jay eyes at each other.”

 

“Stop bringing my mom into this. She is the best, and does not need to be mentioned during the Bashing.”

 

“Sorry, sorry. Okay your turn.”

 

“Um, okay. On my right-no the other right,- there are two boys, and there is the group of girls staring at them. Did you find them?”

 

Louis doesn’t understand why people are so interested in couples, it literally doesn’t make sense to him. Like what is so great about holding hands and sharing showers? Louis could never picture himself sharing a shower, it just doesn’t seem practical. How do you not elbow the other person in the face when you are washing your hair?

 

Louis is broken from his thoughts when he sees two people sharing food, and he feels sick. “Niall, those two are sharing food! Like, not even eating utensils, like food.” Louis looks on horrified as a man takes a bite of a candy apple, and then lets the girl he is with take a bite too. Louis thinks candy apples are sticky and disgusting anyways, but now he can never look at one the same way.

 

“Louis, we should go. Lets never do this again.”

 

Louis agrees, and they run out of the seating area as fast as they can. When they get far enough away, they stop to laugh.

 

(If Louis could come up with a term that meant ‘this wasn’t a horrible day but it also wasn’t a good day, so it’s somewhere in between’, he would because that’s what kind of day today was.)

 

+++++

 

** 43 Days, March 15th **

****

“Hi Louis. My name is Dr. Sharron, and I’ll be your therapist for a while, or until you see it fit to not come see me anymore.”

 

“Hey.” Louis does an awkward wave, and he turns to his mom. He doesn’t know what he needs from her, but she seems to understand.

 

“I’ll be right out here, honey. I promise, you’re alright.” She kisses him on the forehead, and he walks into the room. He sees that the walls are painted a light green, and the couch is white. Louis knows that every thing in this room is set up for a reason, the clock isn’t facing him because he isn’t supposed to know how much time he has left, the color scheme is supposed to make him calm, and he isn’t ashamed to say that the techniques are working. Dr. Sharron knows what she is doing.

 

“Like I said before, Louis, my name is Dr. Sharron, and I will be with you until you or I see that it’s fit you to leave. But enough about me, tell me about yourself.”

 

“Yeah, I like drama, I was in a school play before things got bad. I used to love to sing but them I kind of just stopped, I guess. Oh! I love to read and write, it’s kind of like my escape from all of this.”

 

“That’s good that you found something for yourself. Was that your mom out there?”

 

“Oh yeah.”

 

“And how has she been during all this?”

 

“Really wonderful. She’s so patient, and she _understands_ , and she knows when to talk and when to not talk and just listen. She couldn’t be better.” Louis really loves his mom, alright.

 

“I’m so happy to hear that. Tell me about your siblings.”

 

They talk for another half hour, but they don’t get into the emotional things. Louis suspects that this was more of a base session, one to establish a connection and trust, and the next session will be more emotional. Louis doesn’t know if he’s one hundred percent ready for that.

 

When the session is over, the first thing Louis says to his mom is “I love you.” and he means it. He couldn’t ask for a better mom, one who cares and supports him through all of this.

 

“I love you too, Lou, and I’m so proud of you. Let’s get some treats, yeah? Your choice.”

 

(Louis picks the frosties from Wendy's .)

 

+++++

 

** 30 Days, April 1st **

****

This has to be some sick joke. This can’t be happening to Louis, and it especially can’t be happening to him on April Fools day. If he pinches himself hard enough will he wake up, and realize that this is all a dream?

 

It didn’t start of bad, honestly. He arrived at his AP Psychology class, and he was having an alright day. The weather is getting warmer now, so he isn’t having as many bad days. Lately he has been waking up and feeling like a normal, functioning person.

 

“Today we will be learning about mental illnesses. Open your book to answer the pre-reading questions and then we will start the chapter.”

 

That’s not the bad part, that’s actually a good thing. The only reason Louis had signed up for this class is so he could get a better understanding of what goes on in his brain, and maybe he could actually have an answer for all of his questions.

 

He answers the pre-writing questions, and he finishes pretty quickly because they are all pretty basic. ‘What is depression and list two symptoms.’ ‘What is disassociation and list two symptoms’, ect.

 

The teacher starts with the section on depression, and Louis makes sure he is paying attention. “Okay, so depression. It’s defined as ‘a chemical imbalance in the brain. The persistent feeling of sadness or loss of interest that characterizes major depression.’ but that isn’t all there is. There are sub groups of depression, bipolar disorder, postpartum depression, and seasonal affective disorder. The last one is abbreviated to SAD, and it’s also known as seasonal depression”

 

It’s white noise after that. _Seasonal Affective Order, SAD, Seasonal Depression._ There is a word for what he is feeling; he has something to identify with. I’m not alone anymore, there are people out there who go through the same things I do. He can’t focus on what his teacher is saying at this point, but he knows it’s all from the textbook. He is so pleased that he found this term, and he might look like a maniac because he’s trying to contain his smile, but he doesn’t care. There is something for him here. He might need to call Niall and scream to him about how happy he is, and Niall will scream back, and everything will go on as it was before.

 

“SAD is a little different though, its defined as ‘a period of major depression that most often happens during the winter months, when the days grow short and you get less and less sunlight.’ Treatments can include using a light box, and taking antidepressants. This one is a bit different because you aren’t usually feeling depressed year round, your symptoms are usually the same, they just tend to be more present in the winter and fall. Any questions?”

 

Before Louis can raise his hand and ask what a light box is, and where he can get one, someone else raises their hand.

 

“Marika, go ahead.”

 

“Are you just making up the last one? Because everyone gets a little sad during the winter, because like- it’s cold and dark. It just doesn’t sound real to me.”

 

This kind of white noise isn’t the good kind. This feels like all the air has been punched out of him, and he was left lifeless on the dirty floor. He finally found something that fit, and someone had to go and fucking crush it in two seconds. He can’t believe it, when he finally identifies with something again, another person comes along and makes him feel like shit. His face feels hot, and his hands are shaking, but he can’t make it stop.

 

His vision is going spotty, and his breathing is shallow. He doesn’t know why this is affecting him so much, but it is. He’s trying to excuse himself so he can call Niall in the school bathroom, but the rest of his body and his brain don’t seem to be cooperating at the moment.

The teacher is saying something about how what Marika said was incredibly disrespectful, and how she never wanted to hear anything like that again in her classroom, and Louis is grateful. But it doesn’t help.

 

The girl that sits next to him has noticed his breakdown, and he barely sees her trying to catch his attention. She does a small wave from her desk, and she passes him a note. It hits his desk, and he has to wait a minute before his hands stop shaking enough so he can open it.

 

_you alright? can I help?_

This is sweet, and Louis needs to leave the classroom. He looks at her, and then towards the door, and then back at her. She seems to understand what he’s trying to say, and she raises her hand.

 

“Excuse me. Louis looks a little sick, is it alright if I take him to the nurse?”

 

The teacher agrees, and the girl helps him out of his chair and manages to walk him down the hall before he collapses. He’s shaking, and he sees her mouth moving, but he can’t hear what she’s saying. He hates this, he hates everything. He wishes he was normal, he want’s to have a regular brain like a regular fucking person, and he doesn’t want to have a panic attack every time a person says something that makes him feel like shit. He just wants something different.

 

He reaches for her hand, and she gladly gives it to him. He might be close to breaking the bones in her hand, but she doesn’t seem to mind. She is putting a hand where her diaphragm is supposed to be, and taking deep breaths. He assumes she is signaling that he should be breathing with her, so he tries to inhale and exhale with her timing.

 

_Holy shit,_ Louis thinks, _it’s fucking working._ No one except his mom and Niall have been able to calm him down when he gats panic attacks. This might be another person he can add to the list.

 

He’s come down now, but he’s very shaky. He tries to stand up, but the girl (he still doesn’t know her name but she has helped Louis a lot) pushed him back down.

 

“No, stay down. You’re going to be super tired, you should drink water if you have any. Orange juice! That’s always good to.” She snaps her fingers when she corrects herself, and Louis flinches, and she makes an apologetic face. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

 

Louis waves it off, and then lets his hand collapse back against his thigh. He really is exhausted, and he just wants to take a nap and have a good cuddle with his mom.

 

“Do you have a phone so you can call someone? Like a friend, or maybe your mom or dad?”

 

“Not yet. Too tired.” He could call someone now, but he just wants to be more stable when they get here. He doesn’t need to be more of a burden then he already is.

 

“Okay, just don’t fall asleep okay? I don’t think I could carry you anywhere, I have no muscles.” She gets into a more comfortable position on the floor, but she is still keeping her distance. She seems to have extensive knowledge on how to help with someone in panic attacks, and Louis wants to know her name.

 

“This is going to sound, um, horrible but what’s your name?” He couldn’t make it through the sentence without yawning; maybe he should call someone now.

 

“Oh, it’s alright. It’s Hannah. I don’t know your name either.”

 

“Louis. And can you call Niall, he’s a favorite in my phone.”

 

Louis gets the phone out of his pocket, but he hands it to her to get Niall. He’s too tired.

 

“What’s your password?”

 

Fuck. “Um, it’s aro. Like a-r-o.” He doesn’t want to answer questions, but he doesn’t think she’ll ask any.

 

“Cool, me too.”

 

Louis can’t comment on that because he falls asleep, right up against this dirty wall.

 

* * *

“Louis, wake up. Come on.”

 

“Niall, I’m so tired.”

 

“I know Lou, I know. We’re going to go home though, alright. Come on.”

 

Louis is slowly coming back, and the first thing he see’s is his backpack in the hallway, and all of his folders and notebooks scattered throughout the hallway.  


“What the fuck happened?”

 

Niall shrugs, but Hannah has an answer. “When we were leaving class, you decided it would be a good idea to bring your bag. And then when you sat on the floor, it kind of dropped and, yeah.”

 

Of course he would do that. “Niall, can you…” He gestures to all of his papers and binders that are all over the hallway, and Niall nods.

 

Louis tries standing up, and when he doesn’t fall over, he gets up fully. Hannah offers a hand, and Louis gladly accepts it. He notices she is wearing a white ring, and then he remembers what she said before he passed out. ‘Cool, me too.’ This is a weird day.

 

She notices his staring, and she looks to his hand for a ring, but she doesn’t find one. She raises an eyebrow, and he says, “Oh, I don’t have the money right now, but I’m saving up.”

 

“Are you talking about the ring? I tried to get him one but he said he wanted to be the one to buy it.”

 

“Its important that I buy it for myself, Neil. Leave me alone.”

 

Niall puts his hands up, and they stand in the hallway looking around a little awkwardly.

 

“Niall, this is Hannah. She saved my life. Hannah, this is Niall. He is my favorite friend.”

 

“I’m your only friend. It’s nice to meet you Hannah.”

 

Louis rolls his eyes while they shake hands, because that's obviously not true. They talk for a little while about nothing, and Louis is still tired, so he leans on Niall and closes his eyes while they are talking. It’s nice.

 

“Alright. We’ll see you around Hannah, yeah? It’s time to get Lou home.”

 

They both wave good bye to Hannah, and they walk their separate ways. Niall somehow manages to get Louis called out of school for the rest of that day, and brings him home. They cuddle in Louis’ bed for the rest of the afternoon, and it’s a while until Louis is ready to talk about what happened.

 

“In psych I found out what it’s called. Seasonal Depression. And I was so happy that I finally found something that fit again, you know. Like finding the word aromantic for the first time and feeling like things have finally clicked. But then Marika just shit on it, and called it fake and like it wasn’t a real thing. I just go worked up over it, and yeah.”

 

Niall hug shim tighter, and whispers, “It’s not fake Lou. This is the realest thing you’ve ever had to deal with, and you’re doing an amazing job. Lord knows that I couldn’t of dealt with everything, I’m so proud of you.”

 

This is the worst April Fools ever, and usually Louis loves April Fools. It’s when he can joke around with people and prank them without it being punishable, but now it will never be the same. Every year he will think of this day, and how someone said one thing that set him back. It won’t ever be the same.

 

“We should talk to Hannah again. Invite her into the aro group, she’s really nice.”

 

“Yeah Lou. That sounds good.”

 

+++++

 

** 0 Days, May 1st **

****

 

It won’t ever be one hundred percent better, Louis is aware of that, but when he gets out of bed on May 1st (he’s had this day circled on his calendar for months, and he can’t believe its finally here.), he feels like he’s floating. He knows that things wont get better right away, but from here on out it’s like a rollercoaster that only goes up.

 

He feels breathless, but in a good way, when he can roll up his jeans and put on his Vans, and walk outside and not feel his ankles freeze. He feels full when he walks to the bus stop and he feels like sun warm his skin. He sees the flowers blooming, and he feels like he’s a flower. All Winter he’s been bottled up and covered, and now that the sun is out all he wants to do is open up and soak up all the rays.

 

(He feels like when you are on top of a really high mountain, and you aren’t getting enough oxygen because the air is thinner. He feels like his lungs aren’t doing their job right, and then his brain isn’t getting enough oxygen. He feels breathless and dizzy and so god damn _happy_ that he doesn’t care. He could skip to the bus stop if he didn’t care about what people said. Instead he does a sort of jog-skip-leap thing he reserves for this day only.)

 

Niall sees him coming down the street, and he notices how Louis is walking, and he starts to cheer and jump around. Louis calls back, “Yes! Fuck yes!” and he doesn’t care that it’s 6:51 am and a majority of the neighborhood is still asleep, he is smiling, and it’s not forced. He can’t do it anymore, he can’t be this happy all by himself.

 

He runs to the bus stop and he crashes into Niall. He jumps into his arms, and Niall spins him around. “Louis, Louis. Is this what I think it is?”

 

“Yes, Niall. Yes.” Louis isn’t overreacting, no. This is a normal reaction for someone who has felt like they have been frozen and cold for months, and now they have been put two inches from the sun. He feels warm and happy, and he isn’t afraid how he shows it. Fuck.

 

“Let’s get drunk later okay? Come over to mine.”

 

“Definitely. I’ll invite Hannah too.”

 

Hannah has become a part of their group now, and she fit in perfectly right from the start. She is smart, funny, and aro so it was a natural thing. They all just relate to each other so much, and there isn’t any awkward talk about dating and love because they don’t _care._ It’s nice to surround yourself with people who understand what your limits are and what makes you uncomfortable. It’s comforting to be with people who get you.

 

Louis doesn’t want to think about how he’s going to have to work extra hard these last two months to get his grades back up, doesn’t want to think about September 1st. He wants to think about May 1st through August 31st .How the sun will always be out, and how he will be surrounding himself with flowers. How Niall and Hannah will be around to study with, how they will always be around if Louis is having an off day.

 

“Niall, this is the best day of the year. Every year.”

 

“I know buddy, I know. I have a surprise for you.”

 

Niall reaches into his pocket and pulls out a box, a small black box. What is happening? “Niall, I love you and everything, but like.” Louis doesn’t know how to finish that sentence. Didn't they just have a conversation last week about how they never wanted to get married, even if it was platonically?

 

“No, you dick. I’m not proposing to you. Hannah and I got you a present.”

 

This better not be what Louis thinks it is. “Niall, you know what I said-.”

 

“Yeah, I know. I also know that you’ve had money for this ring for at least three weeks, and you didn’t buy one. All you could talk about was getting a ring the second you had enough, but then you never got one. Just open the fucking box.”

 

Louis want’s to say no, but he knows Niall is right. He takes the box, and he opens it with shaky fingers. It’s simple, and perfect. The ring is a solid white band, but there is an engraving on the inside.

 

_May 1 st is coming, stay strong _

“Fuck, oh my god. I’m going to cry, fuck. This is so-.” He doesn’t finish, he can’t finish, too overwhelmed with emotions. They got him a white ring, and they got it engraved with the best thing possible. He really starts to tear up on Niall’s shoulder as he hugs him, and he can’t stop. He has the best support system anyone could ask for; he wouldn’t change it for the world.

 

“Thank you so much. Oh my God, thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome. I knew what this day means to you, and like, we may not always be friends, so I though this could be a good way for me to always tell you in some way.”

 

“Stop, you’re going to make me cry more. And of course were going to be friends, we are going to the same college and everything. Fuck, this is just.”

 

It’s just so much. He has to get himself together before the bus comes so he doesn’t look like someone needs to bring him back to his house. “I look like I just cried my fucking eyes out.”

 

“You did just do that. Fuck, this is wild.”

 

“I know. This is perfect, I can’t thank you enough- and Hannah too fuck. You both are the best friends anyone could ask for, honestly.”

 

Louis puts the ring on the correct finger, and it’s a perfect fit. Louis wants to think it’s a lucky guess, but he knows it’s not. He has the best friends in the entire universe.

 

He gets to school, and as soon as he sees Hannah he runs up to her and crushes her in a hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.”

 

She hugs him back just as tightly, and it’s the perfect way to start the next few months.

****

****

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much!! <3
> 
> tumblr is jewiishbucky


End file.
